An Inkling
How much of your behavior is driven by fear? We’d like to think that it’s not much. But truth be told, fear is one of our biggest motivators. It’s easy to identify fear-based behavior when there is a clear physical peril – we run for our lives! But the more subtle fears also prompt a lot of our behavior, and we don’t even realize it.
Years ago I heard James Mallory, a Christian psychiatrist, describe some subtle fears that haunt men and women, and that twist their relationships with each other. Typically men fear that they will be found inadequate and controlled, and women fear that they will be used and abandoned. Of course our gendered identity is more complex than that, but time and again I have seen these fears played out, both in my own marriage, and in those of others I’ve counseled.
We laugh at the stereotypical male reluctance to stop and ask for directions, but it’s a behavior that arises from deep within (i.e., fear of appearing inadequate). And how many comedy shticks have you seen featuring a hen-pecked man (i.e., fear of being controlled)?
As for women, which one wants to be valued only for the “3-M’s” – meals, maintenance, and mating (the fear of being used)? And so common are tales of wives being dumped for sweet young things that many a wife clings to a relationship that is little more than those “3-M’s” (the fear of being abandoned).
When 1 John promises that God’s perfect love casts out fear, we usually picture some terrifying scene of peril. And it is true that we need not finally fear terrorists or cancer or assault, for God himself holds us in his perfect love. But day to day, in our closest relationships, God’s perfect love also releases us from fear. And as it so often is with our Lord, his approach is paradoxical.
To men that fear they will be found inadequate he offers no assurance of adequacy. Rather he says, “Of course you’re inadequate. It’s high time you admitted it and turned to me.” As one of the male persuasion, I can report that it’s a huge relief simply to go ahead and acknowledge the obvious: I’m inadequate. Okay. There is One who is adequate, and he’s my Savior. And as for being controlled, that fear also gets unplugged in a paradoxical way. Jesus calls us to total obedience to him and mutual submission to each other. How’s that for being controlled?! And yet therein is freedom.
To women who fear that they will be used, the Savior issues an invitation to join him in serving the very people who are prone to take others for granted. A willing servant need not fear being used. And as for being abandoned, the steadiest promise in the whole Bible is God’s assurance that he will be with us. No matter what others may do, it is literally impossible for a Christian woman to be abandoned! God himself stays with her. Thus his perfect love casts out fear.
May it be that we would grow up into Christ in such a way that even our gendered fears fade away! That fading fear will be matched by a rising reflection of the One who saves us – and who lives free of all fear.
Blessings,
Keith
